Below is a re-post of something I wrote on my other site a while back.
I was reminded of it as last night I sang in a concert and had a terrible crisis of confidence before I went on about what image I would portray and how people might judge me. I got through it in one piece and the feedback was ok but it has made me wonder whether to leave performing to the younger ones from now on.
This is a very early rehearsal version of what we performed. The song is one of the most heart-breakingly beautiful I have heard:
From July 2017:
Last night I played a game at the train station.
As we sat on the bench and watched people pass, I tried to work out which passer-by was most like me. Not in the sense of complete physical resemblance but in the sense of type, aura, energy.
Am I the together business woman with perfect sleek bob and immaculate suit, free of creases and dog hair?
Of course not. That is how I always hoped I might be one day but have never managed.
Am I the confident, alternative but cool DM wearing, striding bohemian type?
No. That would be another aspiration never achieved.
Am I the woman with hunched shoulders, badly dyed hair and a world-weary look? A bit scruffy. Lacking in togetherness? Out of kilter?
That is how I feel. That is how I have always felt, I think.
Different. An outsider. Uneasy. Disconnected from my physical self.
But I wonder how all of those women who fall under my scrutiny actually feel on the inside?
Maybe not together?
Maybe not confident?
Maybe not world-weary?
I have a sneaking suspicion that lots of us feel different on the inside than our external appearance and image might indicate. And that if we could encourage each other to be a bit more honest about this, we’d all find the world a bit more accepting, kinder and compassionate.