For the record
In December, I was diagnosed with ADHD.
That diagnosis has helped me to understand some things. I understand why I am restless. I understand why I can have issues regulating my time and my focus. I understand why my brain is often on overdrive.
I understand why I am hyper-sensitive, hyper-vigilant and that having had to fit a mould that is not quite me-shaped for decades has taken its toll and left me physically and mentally exhausted and a bit traumatised.
I also understand why I can work harder, longer and solve problems more quickly than some other people. And why I am talkative, energetic, creative and passionate about the things that are important to me, like values and integrity.
The last few months since diagnosis have been a rollercoaster. The highs of feeling as if I have answers and the very deep lows of feeling that I have lost so much time trying to overcompensate for things I found perplexing, difficult and exhausting.
I don’t want sympathy. I don’t think I particularly need adjustments, as I work in education, where all the things I am and can offer are celebrated when we meet them in young people.
But let me return to the over-sensitive and over-thinking thing.
That is something that I do need help with.
I spend a lot of my time worrying that I have said the wrong thing, done the wrong thing, offended someone or just “got it wrong”.
I am a people pleaser and it hurts me when I feel that someone is cross or upset with me.
And my over-thinking brain will often ruminate, assume and often lead to conclusions that maybe aren’t true.
The people close to me know this and realise that I need more re-assurance than your average friend. It is probably irritating for them but they see it as a “reasonable adaptation” that they are willing to make because they know that, if they do, I will be less anxious and more pleasant to be around.
The long and the short here is that for me, clear is kind.
If I have done something wrong, please tell me.
I genuinely believe (and have always done) that all I do comes from a place of values, love, integrity and good…
If I’ve got it wrong, please help me to understand.
Please do it kindly.. because although every single human being deserves to be included and treated with kindness and dignity, that sensitivity that comes with being me means that I also don’t take unkindness very well.
But please, help me understand.