Perfect imperfect day

Today I felt like myself.

In the song “Perfect Day”, Lou Reed sings:

“Just a perfect day
You made me forget myself
I thought I was someone else
Someone good”

But my issue, for many a month now, is that I haven’t been able to remember what being me is like. I haven’t wanted to forget myself but I haven’t been able to find the essence of me.

I’m still not sure what that’s been about. Why I have had a sense of being under the weather, out of sorts, exhausted, not me.

Maybe it’s been long covid. Maybe my ADHD. Maybe hormones. Maybe too much change at work. Maybe anxiety brought on by the state of the world. Maybe something else. Maybe all of it.

But for some reason, today, I felt like me, for the first time in a long time. I was able to watch and enjoy a film. I finished a novel. I felt able to sit and concentrate. And I felt an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude for the people in my life.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. But whatever it brings, I am determined to face it as me. As someone good. Not as someone perfect because in seeking perfection we are destined to fail. But as someone who knows that I’m still in the game.

2 thoughts on “Perfect imperfect day

  1. Hi Lena, my name is Sophie and I am looking for Lena Bell who taught at Ramsey Abbey School and did a production of Grease in the 90s. It was my first play and inspired me on to do some really exciting things in my life and I am trying to get in touch to say thanks. I’m not sure if this is you but would be really grateful if you could let me know if it is so that I can message you to say thanks. I have no idea if this lets you see my email address and I’m not desperately keen to put it on here for the general public but if it is you maybe we can find a way! If it’s not you then sorry for bothering you. Thanks, Sophie

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    1. Hello Sophie! It is indeed me and I cannot tell you how much your message means to me! I would love to hear more about what you have been up to since that production (I think you played Jan?) if you are on twitter, I am @lenabellina…you could follow me and then we could DM?

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