Relationship matters….relationships matter

This post was first published on Pedagoo.org on September 9th 2015.

I think that, strictly speaking, Pedagoo is  meant to be about sharing classroom practice and I therefore have to start with a confession; I am currently not classroom based. Those who know me well will know that I have mixed feelings about this. While I am loving my secondment to the local authority central team, I am missing the contact with pupils. But that for another post…

Last week I had the tremendous good fortune to attend three fantastic events within two days. On the surface, the events appeared to relate to three quite different themes. The first was our launch of our Authority Self-Harm and Suicide guidance. The second was a learning session for support assistants on behaviour, delivered by two representatives from Education Scotland. And the third was a day of Leadership training for Argyll and Bute Headteachers. Having had time to digest and reflect on the sessions, it has struck me that there were two key messages common to all three.

The first is about the absolute crucial importance of relationships in education. Ged Flynn from Papyrus, the suicide prevention charity talked about the need for us to make ourselves available to anyone who is struggling to cope. By really listening to the person’s story and helping him/her to find strategies to manage the difficult parts of life, we can literally save a life. Giving the person the time and space to connect with another can make all the difference. Sam March from Education Scotland talked about the vital concept of nurture in helping a young person who is struggling to achieve. He spoke of the ‘turnaround adult’ who can provide a consistent, reliable and predictable relationship in a child’s life. Nurture is about more than being kind to a child; it is about having high aspirations and a willingness and skill to challenge the negative self-image or internal working model that has developed in that child. And Andrew Cubie, on leadership, stressed the crucial importance of getting to know and understand those you are working with and leading. He explained that we need to invest time in getting to understand others, in understanding their DNA and ‘clicking’ with them. He said that the chemistry of a relationship is crucial and that if you are faced with someone whom you initially find difficult, you have to work at understanding them better if you are to succeed together. He advised taking time to “talk out the issues, strategic and other” and to make the difficult relationships better.

This idea of the need to work at our relationships resonated with me. If I have had success as an educationalist, it seems to me that it is often because I have taken time to work at the ‘difficult’ relationships, whether that be with pupils, parents or colleagues. Often another person may present as ‘difficult’ because they represent a different viewpoint and experience to our own; we need to dig deep and look at what that experience is. Thus the ‘difficult’ child who cannot behave may be communicating distress or needing a different type of attention to the others in the class. The ‘difficult’ parent who rages down a phone about the faults of the school may be struggling to cope with a child at home and need the chance to express and work on this. And the ‘difficult’ colleague who resists implementing change for the better because ‘the old ways are the best’ may be feeling hugely insecure about her own capacity to change and need the support of a colleague to take things forward.

I have to confess that Andrew’s talk made me realise that I have probably been more tolerant of ‘difficult’ pupil and parent characters in the past and quicker to criticise colleagues where I have felt them to be putting up barriers. My note to self is to invest more time in developing these relationships and listening more intently to these colleagues in future.

And so to the second key thread touched on by all the speakers I heard last week. This related to the idea that, in order to function successfully as leaders of others, or indeed of our own lives, we need tools and structures that assist us with self-regulation. This might seem obvious; if you do not feel in control of yourself and you aren’t the leader in your own life, then you risk that things won’t go the way you would have wanted. But it struck me that all three speakers mentioned the conscious need to put structures in place around this and not to take them for granted.

Ged Flynn spoke of the need to create plans with young people in distress so that they have strategies that they can draw on to keep them safe. Sam March talked about the need for restorative, solution focused work that clearly identifies interventions that will enable children to move forward. And, perhaps most interestingly for me, Andrew Cubie spoke about his belief in personal development planning. He said that he writes a personal development plan in relation to each project upon which he embarks and it is against this that he judges his personal success within the project. I was surprised to hear that someone with Andrew’s vast experience would feel a need to do this but it also re-iterated to me the importance of attending to our personal self-management. This is not the stuff of therapy or a reactive approach to crisis but the pro-active stuff of life and education.

All three speakers also talked of the need for us to take care of ourselves if we are to provide support and positive role modelling to the children and young people with whom we work. Creating regular opportunities to think about our priorities and values is part of this. So what has stayed with me above all after attending these events? That relationships matter and should be at the heart of education, not seen as secondary to learning but as fundamental to learning. Building positive relationships with others but also building a positive relationship with our own self are crucial to our professional and personal success.

It is not that I didn’t ‘know’ or believe this before;  as a former Dramatherapist I have read the books on Emotional Intelligence, Why Love Matters and the rest. But hearing these three inspiring speakers has reminded and re-enforced the message, giving me the confidence to put it back at the heart of what I do and what I invite others to do.

Ged Flynn is Chief Executive of Papyrus, the suicide prevention charity. Sir Andrew Cubie is an independent Consultant. He was variously Chairman and Senior Partner of a number of law firms, including Fyfe Ireland LLP, having specialised in Corporate law. He holds a number of non-executive Directorships. He has been engaged in education issues throughout his professional career.Sam March is a Development Officer at Education Scotland.

Advertisements

Presiding With Kindness

There is a recurrent type of blog post in my writing; the one where I drive an inordinate distance to hear someone speak who inspires me and adds something to my learning and thinking. I then write up notes about what the speaker said, partly so that I have a record for myself and partly in case anyone could not make the event and wants a summary.

Speakers who feature in the series include: Sarah Jayne Blakemore, Karin Chenoweth, Suzanne Zeedyk, The Real David Cameron and Professor Robbie Gilligan.

Last night, I had the incredible good fortune to get a two for one deal. I set off from Lochgilphead just after three and the soundtrack to my journey consisted of the songs that I need to learn for the Mid Argyll music festival next week: The 59^th Street Bridge Song by Paul Simon;The Water of Tyne (trad); Purcell’s Music For a While; Eric Idle’s Whatever Happened to My Part and Think Twice, made famous by Celine Dion. Eclectic? Definitely. Under-rehearsed, given that the festival is next week? Certainly. But slightly more familiar after playing on a loop between Kilmory and Shields Road carpark? Without doubt.

The two speakers that I had the incredible good fortune to hear last night were two judges from the US who spoke about their experiences of “Presiding with Kindness” within the US criminal Justice System: Judge Victoria Pratt and Judge Ginger Lerner-Wren. I had been invited to attend by Ian Smith, a Scottish lawyer who is leading the rally to make Scottish justice more trauma-informed and whom I have got to know through virtual discussion around Adverse Childhood Experiences.

My passion is making schools kind places where adults connect authentically with children in order to help them learn and develop, where mistakes are part of learning and where systems are based on genuine mutual respect and restorative approaches, rather than discipline and humiliation. I have worked in many schools and with many staff who have shared this passion over the years and achieved huge successes because of it; my driver as a leader and role model is to help others see the benefits in such an approach.

These are my notes of what I heard last night. They may not be word for word perfect but I hope that they summarise the key messages.

Judge Victoria Pratt is a pioneer of procedural justice in Newark, New Jersey.

Her fundamental starting point is that people in the criminal justice system must be treated with kindness, dignity and respect.

She talked about how traditional courts are foreign and intimidating to those who are called to them: they are herded through security and shouted at by people telling them to discard their personal items; they ask people in uniforms the same question and get a different answer each time; they are scolded for rules they never knew anything about

She suggested a simple alternative to this: if people perceive they are treated with respect and dignity then they will respect the law and trust the system.

How judges speak to litigants is key.

Judges have the reserved seats at a tragic reality show.

Principle 1 in her system = voice. Allow people to tell their story.

She is known for assigning essays to those who have offended as a reflective task.

She gave an example of a high school student aged 18 who had been brought in to court for possession of a knife (although it may only have been a butter knife).

The sad truth is that there were more police than counsellors in the girl’s school.

Her essay said “I’m scaredand that’s why I have a knife all the time.”

Judge Pratt wanted to know why this girl was so scared and could not stop thinking about it so she asked the girl’s social worker; it turned out that the girl’s stepfather had been sexually abusing her.

She did not feel protected by anyone in school whose job was to keep her safe.

If we take time to hear people’s stories, we understand them better.

2^nd principle = neutrality

Sometimes people are allowed to speak and offer opinions or information in courts who are not impartial or neutral and this is not right and has to be challenged.

3rd principle = understand

There is an absolute need for those who work in criminal justice to understand the reality of poverty and mental health and to ensure that people understand what is being discussed in court.

Judge Pratt spoke of legalese being the language we used to confuse.

She explained how she uses plain English instead and explains why:

She was one given a list of questions to ask by a senior judge- for example “do you take psychotropic drugs?”. She realised that she did not understand half the words in the questions, let alone know how to pronounce them and so decided to re-phrase them in plain language such as “Ma’am, do you take medication to clear your head?”

It works.

The last principle = respect

This can be as simple as saying “good afternoon sir / ma’am.”

Or asking “how are you doing today?”… and wait for the answer.

Respect is contagious.

Judge Pratt explained that she was not telling us what she thinks but what she has done in her court.

She told us how she was once directed to go to a new court; it was seen by everyone as being the worst court to work in, in terms of drugs and mental health issues.

At first she said “no” but the senior judge told her that that the only alternative was the night court. She thought for a while; she realised she was at the point of looking for a husband and would never manage that if she was working at night so went for the ‘worst court’ option!

In fact, she learnt a huge amount by doing that work.

In one drugs case she asked the man about his son. He had never fathered him due to his drug habit. He cried when he spoke about him so she let him go home and told him to come back in two weeks.

She had a reputation with others working in the court: “she let’s everyone go home. She doesn’t know what she’s doing.  He will never come back.” she crossed her fingers.

They said he would not come back. He did.

When he came back he said “I came back because you showed me more love than I had for myself.”

If the court behaves differently the community behaves differently.

Mr Scott was another. He had about 14 tickets for minor offences.

He was pan-handling but wasn’t an addict. Had been beaten up when younger and had a brain injury so was functioning as a 12 year old. He also had a 12 year old son. She said “what will I do with you? Why don’t you stop?”

He said “my son eats through the food stamps. What can I do?”

She didn’t send him to prison because she listened to his story and understood where he was coming from.

 

Judge Ginger Lerner-Wren practices therapeutic jurisprudence (also known as TJ). in Florida

She explained how two Professors at the University of Miami first developed the idea: Bruce Winick and David Wexler.

They read, analysed case law and wrote.

In the 80s in the US, mental health law was emerging.

Judge Lerner Wren spoke about the invisible psychological forces in a court and how what the judge says and how the judge behaves are key.

The question is, can courts act as therapeutic agents?

Miami in the 80’s had a reputation for drugs and crime – think Miami Vice!

Janet Reno was a judge at that time whose family had come from Denmark; her father had engaged in human rights. Her thinking helped TJ move forward. She looked at drugs offences and the revolving door of prison and trauma.

In a way it is ironic that justice innovation came out of Florida.

There is currently just 39 dollars and 55 cents allocated per person in Florida for mental health support per year. It is a state in crisis.

There are currently 386 thousand people in US jails with serious mental health issues and trauma. Prisons are the largest de-facto psychiatric hospitals in existence.

Judge Lerner-Wren started out in disability law. She did guardianship work for people who had no family to support them.

Families kept coming to her saying “I hear you can help my brother”. “I hear you can help my mother”. In fact, she couldn’t help as she could only help those without any relatives.

She wondered whether the county commission offices were sending people to her who she could not actually help. They said not.

But then she got a silent intuitive nudge that they’d been coming to her for a reason; she saw this as her calling and moved to working in a psych hospital around discharge.

Over the years she gained massive experience and skills with mental health and drugs…..and she then thought “how can I make a difference in a really big way?”

“I’ll run for judge”.

A new judicial seat was funded and she was elected; there was huge synchronicity.

At this time, the case of a young man raised consciousness of issues relating to trauma and brain injury.

Aaron Wynn, an 18 year old with a bright future was run over and suffered traumatic brain injury. This left his family in peril. They were given 5 diagnoses but these only served to confuse and did not explain his behaviour. He was confined for 2 and a half years in 4 and 5 point restraints.

He was then released back to his family with no notification.

One day he was out in the shop when he suffered a panic attack and ran out into the street. As he ran out, he collided  with 85 year old Colleen Johnson who fell and suffered head injuries which she then died from. He was done for murder.

Howard Finkelstein then stepped in; he was a fantastic lawyer who went on to have his own TV show “Help Me Howard”.

He met with the man’s family and it completely changed his views; he had thought jail was helping but then realised it was not. It was a revolving door.

In 1994, he wrote 10 page letter to the Grand Jury of Broward County saying that had there been mental health treatments and support for his client, this would never have happened. He asked for a review. They did it. 8 months later a 153 page scathing report was produced that spoke of a “deplorable system” where no-one is accountable for anyone or anything.

A task force of mental health experts and judges was set up but would not agree. They then asked Howard what he wanted. He said “my own court”.

It was set up in 96/97.

10 yrs on, Howard was asked about it and he said “I wanted a court of refuge for people with issues where a judge would do no harm to people already. overwhelmed by life itself”.

They wanted therapeutic settings not prisons.

In her work, Judge Lerner-Wren wanted a clear message: that recovery is possible They were a small team and had no money but the number one lesson, borrowed from Margeret Mead, was “never underestimate what a small community with passion can do.”

If you have vision and an empowered community, you can do anything.

She has been driven by a thirst for justice and abiding belief in recovery.

By another stroke of serendipity, Janet Reno got appointed as 1st female Attorney General at the same time as Browards Court was established.

They showed that early intervention is key and that treatment works, if it is individually tailored.

90% of women in justice system have experienced trauma or an ACE.

But isn’t this really about all of us with our trauma and divorce and messy lives?

Dignity is the centrepiece of this work.

We want to hear stories, dreams and visions.

The court is voluntary and its key message is “we are here for you”.

People fall down in the court as they are not expecting this message. All you need is one person to believe in you.

People are not their symptoms, diagnosis or bad days.

Restoration of personhood is a marked goal of the court and diversion from criminal justice into care.

But any time you try and change things there will be negativity and naysayers.

Mental health and the de-institutionalisation of mental health has not really been taken seriously in the US.

Physical ill health took you to the hospital.

Psychotic illness took you to jail.

In the follow up Q and A, the Judges added the following (and I hope I have credited what was said to the right judge!)

Judge Pratt:

Institutions and systems exist to sustain themselves; if you challenge you are kicked out, like a foreign body in the body is kicked out.

Judge Lerner Wren:

Policy makers work up at a high level but need to ask “what do the people want?”

Judge Pratt:

If people are not talking bad about you, then you are not working hard enough.

Judge Lerner-Wren:

Scotland is leading the world in terms of ACE awareness and that should be celebrated.

We are a world in despair: how do we create more optimism across the globe and build resilience in the face of drugs, climate change, social media and what is happening to our children?

We work together through synergy and advocate for mental health.

Mental health is essential to all health.

How many families really know how to talk about mental health?

Judge Pratt:

If we don’t like what the current leaders are doing, we need to vote in new candidates!

———————————————————————————————————————-

The energy, enthusiasm, experience and optimism of these two incredible women were an absolute tonic.

Sometimes we need a reminder of our “why” and last night’s event helped me to remember mine:

The “why” behind me learning the names of all the 500 pupils in my school is respect.

The “why” behind me greeting every pupil in the morning before school is love.

The “why” behind me telling every pupil and parent/carer that they can talk to me is listening to their voices.

The “why” behind me writing about mental health and talking about my own is that people are more than their diagnosis, symptoms and bad days.

The “why” behind me being an irritant and getting talked bad about is that I am working hard to make the world a better and optimistic place. Sometimes I do feel like giving up in the face of the naysayers who tell me that my ideas will be the downfall of education …..but last night reminded me of why I can’t and why they aren’t.

And the “why” behind me singing those under-rehearsed songs in a competition alongside the pupils and family members from my community next week is that showing up as your real self  and risking mistakes allows real connection.

Thanks so very, very much to the Judges, to Ian and to Christine Goodall and Medics against Violence for their organisation of the event and to Laura Maxwell for her beautiful introduction.

You can see more of Judge Pratt in her Ted Talk and read more about Judge Lerner-Wren’s ideas in her book “A Court of Refuge”.

 

 

Lena Carter

Principal Teacher for Looked After Children

Oban Education Office

Dalintart Drive

Oban

PA34 4EF

Tel: 01546 604231

lena.carter2@argyll-bute.gov.uk

 

 

 

www.argyll-bute.gov.uk

 

 

 

Argyll and Bute Council classify the sensitivity of emails according to the Government Security Classifications.

Privileged/Confidential Information may be contained in this message. If you are not the addressee indicated in this message (or responsible for delivery of the message to such person), you may not disclose, copy or deliver this message to anyone and any action taken or omitted to be taken in reliance on it, is prohibited and may be unlawful.

In such case, you should destroy this message and kindly notify the sender by reply email. Opinions, conclusions and other information in this message that do not relate to the official business of Argyll and Bute Council shall be understood as neither given nor endorsed by it.

All communications sent to or from Argyll and Bute Council may be subject to recording and/or monitoring in accordance with relevant legislation.

This email has been scanned for viruses, vandals and malicious content.

Before You Do It

As a result of my work as a secondary teacher and my personal experience as a child, parent and mental health advocate, I have come to the conclusion that we need to talk more about parenting to teenagers. I am making a pledge that, a year from now, on International Women’s Day 2020, I will have created a resource that will have been shared with all schools and parents and carers of teenagers across Scotland.

This is not the work of women alone but mothers need to be even more informed if they are to grow a baby within them.

I am sure that there is some great work around this out there already but I want to bring it together and make it accessible and easy to find. The resources will help our young people to explore the answers to the questions below.

For now, the questions are out there. You need to be able to answer “yes” if you are to be the best parent that you can. It may take some work for you to find the answers but the work is crucial. 

Before you do it. #B4UDoIt

6 questions to ask yourself before you choose to have a sexual encounter that could result in a life being created. Please only go ahead and do it if you can answer “yes”.

1. Do you know about the impact that your physical and mental health and behaviour could have on that life from the moment it is created?
2. Do you know how hugely important being a parent is and how much utter fear, joy and magic it brings?
3. Do you know how much parenting takes out of you and how it makes you learn and re-examine everything you thought you knew?
4. Have you reflected on what you experienced in terms of parenting when you were a child and learned from that?
5. Do you know how important it is to love your child unconditionally?
6. Do you know the rights that every child born on this planet has?

Reflections on the CELCIS Annual Lecture

Last night I had the amazing good fortune to attend the annual Celcis lecture at the University of Strathclyde. 

Having produced our authority guidance on supporting Looked After Children for education settings (with support from CELCIS) three years ago, and now being in post as Principal Teacher for Looked After Children, I was very excited to hear what the messages from the evening would be. 

The speaker at the lecture was Professor of Social Work and Social Policy at Trinity College Dublin, Robbie Gilligan (for the purposes of this blog post, I am going to refer to him as Robbie from now on and I hope that will not cause offence). He was an absolutely inspirational, knowledgeable and entertaining speaker and I found myself doing imagined air punches at almost everything he said. The title of his lecture was “Powering up the potential of care experienced young people: the role of education, work and adult expectations”. In the lecture Robbie talked about many ideas that resonated with my thinking; his aim was to challenge the dominant narrative of attainment and achievement within education but also to challenge the failure narrative that all too often accompanies the experiences of our care experienced children. He talked about the idea that many young people have talents and experiences and energies that we need to tap into in order to help them achieve their potential. He spoke of the power and potential of work experience to do this and explored how we need to get away from the conventional timelines that exist and which expect young people to move through school before going into work settings. He explained that education is a lifetime project and that young people and adults must be allowed to get on and off the education bus; if they get off they must not get off in a bad mood and not feel that they won’t be welcome back. It is often true that all care experienced young people do not follow the same trajectory as other young people and that their education experience may look quite different in terms of chronology.

Robbie cited six examples of  adults (the majority of whom are care experienced) who have gone on to achieve success and celebrity after engaging in early forms of work experience as children:

Actress Saoirse Ronan; Gardener and Guardian writer Alan Jenkins; Poet and Performer Lemn Sissay; Actor Barry Keoghan; Footballer Paul McGrath; Javelin champion Fatima Whitbread and Novelist Jenni Fagan. 

All of these stories provided excellent exemplification of the idea that if a child is inspired at an early age to engage in a form of “work” that is linked to a passion or hobby then this work may well lead to a learning trajectory that is unconventional and atypical in terms of our ideas about age and stage educational experiences.

Robbie also talked about the idea that work is about more than employment and that it works much better when it is based on self identified interests and experiences. Work can inspire effort to go back into education and get back on the education bus. It can cultivate soft and hard skills, identity and agency and it can give young people an identity beyond the “children in care” bubble that they too often experience.

My heart flipped as a drama teacher and former dramatherapist when Robbie spoke of work as a “performance that matters”; I have long talked about the idea of needing to give children and young people the chance to rehearse and enact positive experience and confidence in a safe setting, supported by an adult who will allow them to make mistakes and learn; the body keeps the score and the more we rehearse confidence and success, the more it becomes real.

The recording of the lecture will be shared by CELCIS and I would strongly encourage you to watch it.

After the lecture there was a panel discussion with Joe Rankin from  Nevis Group Scotland which offers employment to care experience children, Tracy Wright who is studying law at Strathclyde and is a Celcis Board member and Rosie Moore, who sits on the Independent Care Review and is studying social work. The key messages from the panel discussion resonated with the themes of Robbie’s lecture and were about needing to think outside the box, to be proactive and positive about what young people can achieve, to be stable and supportive adults who can help care experienced young people to achieve and thrive, to have high aspirations, to recognise that achievement is about so much more than a narrow range of academic qualifications and to accept that care experienced young people may need to travel along the learning journey at a different pace to others.

I wanted to say something at the end of the discussion but the mike never got to me and in any case, I would probably not have managed to say it in the right way. 

What I have to say is not maybe worth much but I feel it very passionately after working in a range of educational and community settings throughout net career.

1. Many of us in Scottish education are trying to change the narrative of what “attainment” and “achievement” mean. Insight and the new BGE benchmarking tool are all about this. However, some of the powers that be have to commit to genuine celebration of attainment in all forms and stop trying to measure only what is easy to measure. Head teachers need to be brave and confident here. https://lenabellina.wordpress.com/2017/08/13/real-results/

https://lenabellina.wordpress.com/2016/06/12/an-open-letter-to-mr-john-swinney/amp/

2. The Scottish Curriculum for Excellence is based on a commitment to Skills for Life, Learning and Work. After nearly 10 years there is a risk that we are going to throw the baby out with the bath water and try and start again. Please let’s not. Many other nations have nothing like this: https://scqf.org.uk/media/1142/btc4_skills_tcm4-569141.pdf

3. The SQA has a whole suite of work related qualifications that we just aren’t using. I know about this one because my husband wrote it: 

https://www.sqa.org.uk/sqa/70013.html

Ollie Bray knows about a lot more: https://scqf.org.uk/news-blog/blogs/we-can-tackle-the-poverty-gap-one-kid-at-a-time-tes-scotland-article/

4. There are lots of amazing things happening in many schools in Scotland but schools can’t do it all. Partnerships with employers are key, as are community corporate parents who can open doors, provide the social capital into new worlds and not give up when young people are ready to engage yet. Family Firm is an excellent start but we need more employers like Timpsons who understand adversity and attachment and won’t give up when a young person has a bad day and will still be there the next day with a positive, loving attitude. Flexible Learning Planning allows schools to work with partners to create alternative, exciting pathways BUT sometimes the partners are hard to find or the Risk Assessment Dementors try and put up barriers. But barriers can be removed without anyone getting hurt.
5. We need to accept that with cuts to budgets, we need to be more creative than ever to make exciting things happen. Where recent cuts mean less music tuition, fewer youth services and fewer adults per child in schools, we have to work harder to find the solutions and also to challenge if we feel that things are getting close to being too austere: https://lenabellina.wordpress.com/2017/10/13/what-are-we-about/amp/

Some people believe that the parts of our services that we are having to cut such as drama, music and languages are the frills, the icing on the cake and luxuries that we can live without. But if we look back at Robbie’s six examples, maybe we need to think again. 

The future is bright for Care Experienced Young Children and Young People in Scotland if we embrace the partnership working advocated to Get It Right for Every Child, stay committed to our core values and remain optimistic, creative, realistic and caring.

Trust in me..and in you.

Three short years ago, I made a decision to try and change some of the behaviours and coping strategies that I had developed over many years.

I was once again faced with that dreaded time of the year when we are expected to set New Year’s resolutions, make big promises and set out our vision for a “New Year, New You.”

But I realised that trying to change Me was not actually what was needed; instead, I needed to try and unpick some of the habits that were getting in the way of me being me. 

Just like we need to look at the behaviour of a child as something separate from the child (“I love you but I don’t love your behaviour right now”) and a form of communication or coping method, so too I needed to look at my behaviours and motivations with a new honesty.

Why did I need to do this? Because the life I was leading was a struggle. Because it was lacking in joy and characterised too often by fear, anxiety and sadness. Because I realised that it didn’t have to be like that.

Back then I started the process with a short piece of reflection which I buried deep in my phone notes and felt deeply ashamed for even committing to electronic paper:

“I feel:

I can’t do it any more because I’m too broken and can’t ever be fixed.

I know:

I can and I’m not and things can be broken and still go on working.

I feel:

I have no friends.

I know:

I do have good friends.

I feel:

Worthless.

I know:

I have worth and can offer a lot.

I feel:

Everything is wrong.

I know:

Lots of things are right.

I feel:

Disgust.

I know:

I am not disgusting.

I feel:

No-one understands me.

I know:

No-one ever can fully understand me but I can understand myself.

I feel:

Like the worst spouse and parent in the world.

I know:

I am a good spouse and parent.

I feel:

Like I don’t want to be here.

I know:

That I do want to be here.

I feel:

Exhausted.

I know:

That I am exhausted but can get through it.

I feel:

Like I have to keep going.

I know:

That I have to rest.

I feel:

Sad

I know:

I have been and can be happy.

And I also know I can feel joyous, excited, loving, spontaneous and proud.

What I know will get me through and help me to fight the feelings when they visit.

Let this serve to remind me….

#hopefor2016 .”

As I look at this, three years on, I have to admit that on some days, the feelings are still stronger than the knowings and there are times when the sadness, anxiety and fear overwhelm me. But I can also say categorically that they are fewer and further between than back then. And I intend for them to get even more so (or is that less so?!)

I can’t pretend that the last three years have been easy. Unpicking over 40 years of learnt and well-practiced behaviours takes effort and time.

I ended up writing a book to help me with the process. At first, I did so under a pen name and shared it cautiously and in trepidation but after some positive feedback, I became braver and shared the book as me. Looking back, this was quite a risk to take; as someone in a senior role in education, it was perhaps foolhardy to share some of my innermost fears, vulnerabilities and struggles with a world that includes both the young people with whom I work, and their families, as potential readers.

I am aware that there are jobs I won’t get in the future because of what I have done. I am aware that there are people who find what I have written distasteful and self- indulgent.

And of course, in many ways, it is completely self-indulgent. The reality is that I needed to indulge myself, to write therapeutically and to find some answers to some questions.

My answers won’t be yours. I still haven’t found all the answers yet and I am still writing, reading, connecting and exploring to try and find them. But more things make sense to me now than they did three years ago.

If you are reading this and you are struggling, wondering whether you can ever feel better, asking whether there is any point to keeping going, please know that there is.

Please know that there are better times ahead if you are willing to take a few risks, take some time and accept that you are the one person you need to make peace with, above all others.

You are all you need but you don’t have to do it alone.

#TrustIn2019

Happy Christmas

 

I love Christmas. I love the idea of Christmas because it is about family and love and generosity and forgiveness and celebration.

The real me is immeasurably excited about Christmas and always has been.

But the voice of the real me and my true self have sometimes been drowned out by voices that are not welcome in my head. Voices that try to sabotage my spirit, my passion for connection and my life force.

Every single one of us is born with an excitement for life and a need to love, trust and connect. 

Sometimes things happen to us that mean we can’t connect with that excitement. Sometimes people act in ways that shatter our trust and make us question our ability to love and connect.

Sometimes this can leave us in the paralysing position where we can’t make decisions based on our own needs and values but instead find our thoughts, emotions and actions driven by the voices of others.

Decisions bring panic. There seems to be no right answer. 

And so we adopt coping strategies that help us to survive. We allow the “shoulds” and “oughts” of society to drive our decisions, even though they may not align with our true values and beliefs. 

Or we find that the voice of Mr Anxiety, though a bully and not really our friend, gives us motivation that stems from fear and our most primal and instinctive survival system: “if you don’t do that, the world will end”;  if you don’t try harder, it will be a disaster”; “if you even think of doing that, you’re dead.”

And if not Mr Anxiety, then his close friend and ally Ms Depression will bring equally harmful but at the time helpful ways of making decisions and getting through the day: “Don’t bother getting up because you are such a useless piece of rubbish that it isn’t worth it”; “Don’t even try to say that because nothing you say is think is valuable”; “Don’t go today because those people don’t even like you. What’s actually to like?”

If we are really unlucky then these voices draw on the help of the third evil superpower, Lord Addiction, who will help them ensure that we develop some sort of physical dependence that drives us and our behaviour and creates another barrier to us connecting back with our true needs and wants. He has a long list to chose from when he casts his addiction spell: alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating, dieting, work…. and on and on.

Some years back I decided to write a book to help me make sense of my battles with decision making over the years and to try and find a way of better achieving what the World Health Organisation defines as a state of mental health:

“Mental health is defined as a state of well-being in which every individual realizes his or her own potential, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to her or his community.”

I also wrote the book to try and help others who may be experiencing similar things. Quite a few people have read it now and the feedback has been very positive. There are some review on Amazon, if you are interested.

https://read.amazon.co.uk/kp/embed?asin=B01KP8XT86&preview=newtab&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_yNodyb2G7M8DZ&reshareId=KSE69JP9TTB2863Q82V1&reshareChannel=system

If you are dreading Christmas, maybe you could take some time to read it.

But if not, please know, from someone who has been there, that Christmas does not have to be a time of dread.

It is a time of love.

You are worthy of love and you deserve a Happy Christmas.

Those negative voices in your head are not welcome at your table and you can tell them to leave.

Not every voice or every person is worthy of your love.

There are words, songs and people out there who can help you know and feel this. Don’t be alone.

Take back the excitement and joy of Christmas…and of life…for you. 

As I say to the children I work with: You are the only person guaranteed to be there for you til the end of your days…make sure that you get the relationship with your true self right and you will have everything you need.

Happy Christmas.

The Kiss

This a post I have been pondering for a while.

“Baby, say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah
And let me kiss you”
From Kiss Me by One Direction.

Let me say up front that I will say things that some may not like. I have said many of the things before in other places and sometimes caused a little controversy.

A while back I was on a mini break with my lovely 14 year old daughter. We had booked into a hotel in a large city and I was delighted to see that the hotel was also hosting a conference for children with learning difficulties and their parents, although my daughter wryly noted that even on holiday I seem to find things that remind me of work. Inclusion is one of my favourite topics: https://lenabellina.wordpress.com/2016/01/02/included-or-not/

At one point during our stay, we found ourselves in the queue for the lift with a father and teenage son who were there for the conference.
Immediately I saw a twinkle in the son’s eye as he saw my beautiful girl and soon he began to talk to her, asking her name. Immediately I saw her tense and flush, in the way that she does when spoken to by any stranger, before replying in a quiet and forcedly cheerful voice.

I stepped in, asking the boy his name and making chit-chat, sensing that his dad appreciated that.
The lift journey was short but why happened next took us by surprise. The boy put his arm around my girl. I saw her tense, look at me in a panic and I heard his dad ask the boy to let go.
For a moment we all stood, me keeping eye contact with my girl but above all, keeping calm.
In the dad’s voice I sensed that underlying tone of desperate hope that his child would make the right choices but also fear that he might not, that the control he was trying to exert as an adult might not serve its purpose.

Have you been that parent of the toddler in the supermarket who has suddenly turned from biddable and smiley to resistant and angry? Do you remember that sinking feeling you get in your stomach when you know that you aren’t in charge any more and no end of cajoling is going to stop those bottles/loaves/sweets (delete as appropriate) coming off that shelf and onto the floor?

Have you been that teacher of the pupil with anger issues who has suddenly turned from biddable and smiley to resistant and angry? Do you remember that sinking feeling you get in your stomach when you know that you aren’t in charge any more and no end of cajoling is going to stop those swear-words/punches/roars (delete as appropriate) from being released?

I could see that the boy’s dad was experiencing that sinking feeling.

A moment later and the boy had planted a kiss on the flushed, panicky cheek of my girl.

Something more was said by the dad and at that moment the lift reached our floor. I took my girl’s hand, said a bright “nice to meet you, enjoy the rest of your day” and we left the lift.

“I’m sorry” I said, as we walked the hotel corridor. “I can see that that was really uncomfortable for you. But I really don’t think he wanted to make you feel like that.”

“But mum, it’s not ok! I don’t understand why his dad didn’t do more to stop him!”

I tried to explain. I tried to explain that maybe the dad knew that any more of an attempt to stop his boy could have led to an outburst in a small enclosed space that he would have wanted to avoid at all costs.

And I explained that I was 100% certain that the dad would have spoken to his son after we had gone.

I imagine that the conversation would have gone something like this:
“Hey, remember how we have talked about not touching and kissing people unless they have said we can?”
“Yeah dad. But she told me her name and her mum talked to me.”
“Yes but that didn’t make it ok for you to hug and kiss her.”

Boy thinks: “but why wouldn’t she want me to hug and kiss her? I look like Harry today… cool and with my best jeans and t-shirt. “Baby, say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah
And let me kiss you.””

Boy says: “ok dad”.

I know that my girl will take a long time to forget what happened in that lift. I know that she feels let down by the adults. But I also know that by having talked about what happened and having acknowledged her feelings, we have mitigated against it causing her ongoing worry and distress.

Some will see this as a story of assault.
Others will see it as a story of helping children to learn about situationally appropriate behaviours.

I am not sure how I see it.

“Education is everything. We can’t and shouldn’t simplify it and talk in terms of it being the job of either teachers or parents. We need to accept that our job, as adults, is to be honest with children and to help them negotiate the complexity ahead. It is our job to develop in each child the skill to know and understand himself, the tools to express herself and the strategies to meet challenges along the way. And it is our job to talk openly and honestly so that, if and when bad things happen, children know to talk about them so that they do not become a source of guilt, a life-stealing force, a legacy of hidden pain and shame.” Nell Flowers. The Story of My Self.

I share this story with my lovely girl’s permission.

Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

Book Review. The Ten Traits of Resilience by James Hilton. Published by Bloomsbury.

 

Those who read my blog regularly will know that I think and write a lot about school leadership. I also read a great deal about leadership and am particularly intrigued by the idea of sustainable leadership. Last month, I spoke at a Pedagoo event about how to stay, survive and thrive in teaching and leadership by drawing on instruments of personal power:

https://lenabellina.wordpress.com/2018/09/01/goliath/

I also did a condensed version of this talk in a Leadmeet at the #womened Unconference this Saturday.

But I will confess that I am personally still in need of a little help in ensuring that I can keep going in leadership into my fifties…..which start next August the 13th. More of that later.

I have noticed some well-being warning signs of late and as I approached the Scottish October holidays which started this week, I knew that I would need to take some time to stop and reflect.

One of the instruments of power mentioned in my talk and post above was James Hilton’s brilliant book “Leading From the Edge” which I reviewed back in August:

https://lenabellina.wordpress.com/2018/08/05/book-review-leading-from-the-edge-james-hilton-published-by-bloomsbury/

Imagine my delight, then, when, a couple of weeks ago, I received my copy of James’ latest book “Ten Traits of Resilience”.

In the book, James says that he is not superstitious, having lived in a number 13 house for many years. I have to confess that, having been born on the 13th, I’m also unfazed by that number, but that I do believe in serendipity and the power of the universe to give us things when we are in need.

The arrival of this book through the letterbox exemplifies the meeting of such a need.

James has skilfully identified the 10 balloons with which we keep our basket comfortably aloft as we navigate the terrain of school leadership and avoid either spiralling off into the ether, or crashing to the ground: A sense of purpose ; Optimism; Trust; Courage; Decisiveness; Asking for help ; A sense of fun; Curiosity; Taking care of yourself and Turning adversity into opportunity. 

The book is a brilliant mix of advice based on James’ own extensive experience as a school leader, as well as ideas and guidance offered by other accomplished leaders such as Patrick Ottley-Connor, Viv Grant, Ross Morrison-McGill and Kim Johnson. In another serendipitous piece of timing, I met Pat in real life at the Unconference on Saturday (having known him virtually for some time) and so have been able to “hear” his voice while reading his words in the book over the last few days. If you can manage to find a way of meeting him at some point, I would strongly recommend it. He completely lives up to his fabulous reputation!

The huge power in this book comes from the fact that it does not just offer advice but it also makes you work and think around the ideas offered through practical activities and tasks that have to be completed as part of your engagement with the book. James has clearly put a lot of time and effort into devising these exercises and I would insist that, unless you commit to completing them, you will not gain the full benefit from the book. I would also suggest that you do them in pencil so that you can go back and update them as needed.

James has also selected quotes and pieces of wisdom from experts in leadership beyond education and these are peppered throughout the book to add seasoning and spice that activate our reflective tastebuds.

My two favourites are these:

“If you believe it will work out, you’ll see opportunities. If you believe it won’t, you will see obstacles” from Dr Wayne Dyer

And

“A sense of humour is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done” from Dwight D Eisenhower.

I have discovered over the years that I am a somewhat unusual combination of Eeyore and Tigger but that I am a better leader and human when I let myself laugh, bounce and use humour to combat some of my black dog (or grey donkey) ruminations.  My lovely and hugely perceptive daughter recently pointed out to me that she has not seen as much of the relaxed and funny side of me lately and I know that I have some work to do on getting my sense of humour back.

The thing I love most about this book is that James writes in a style that is hugely readable yet backed up with evidence, science and research.

His honesty in relation to his own personal journey and challenges means that the reader instinctively feels a sense of connection and (number three on the list of crucial factors) trust in him and his wisdom.

If you want to stay in leadership and get the most from the best job in the world, read this book.

As James says: “You make a difference. Never forget that! You possess the ten traits of a successful school leader but we all need to give those balloons a little boost of inflation from time to time.”

The Ten Traits of Resilience by James Hilton is published by Bloomsbury.