Bowled over but not out.

I came off Twitter for a bit last week.

I’d been planning a digital detox for a while and I could pretend it was just about that.

But it wasn’t.

It was because I’d been made a fool of. A person who had been posing as a teacher-dad of a sick baby turned out to be a fake. I had sent him lots of supportive messages and DMs (as had many, many others) and the realisation that I had been duped made me feel shocked, sickened and ashamed.

I was not sure why it made me feel quite like it did at the time but I reacted by coming off Twitter and Facebook and even locking my Twitter account.

Since, I have had time to reflect.

I am very trusting and very forgiving. I am often too naïve. I want to see the best in everyone. I share a lot (maybe too much?) about myself and take the Tom Hanks quote about honesty to a bit of an extreme: “The only way you can truly control how you are seen is by being honest all the time”.

This has been a strength at times in my life but has also led me, at other times, to be abused and mistreated.

I have recently been doing some very intensive work about something that happened to me as a child and which has left me with a lifelong sense of shame and a tendency to dread and fear. The fact that I was duped by this hoaxer fed right into the victim role that I am trying to shake off and the timing was very unfortunate, in that it made me immediately knee-jerk into blaming myself and beating myself up.

Ok, I probably didn’t look carefully enough at the profile to realise that the story didn’t add up. I should have done.

But what real harm was done?

I didn’t send them any money or do or say anything that I regret.

For a while I thought about deleting my blogs, my accounts, my online presence. I started to question the merits of trying to be “authentic” and vulnerable online when in fact there is such an  inherent artificiality to the process.

But then I thought of all that I have gained through being connected online and through Twitter. As I have mentioned previously Twitter and blogging have helped me to connect with some incredible people, make genuinely friends and achieve things that would not have been possible without it.

And so I am not throwing out the baby with the bath water.

The world of Twitter and online connection is not inherently bad.

The fact that I am trusting and want to help others is not wrong. That is what being a caring human being is about.

But sometimes others act in ways that are abusive, unkind or hurtful and when that happens we need to acknowledge it, call it out for what it is and fight back by being even more ferociously caring.

So if you want to connect or need a virtual hug, I’m still here.


Selfish selflessness

What motivates you?

I have been reflecting on motivation again. A lot of my work involves working out why children behave as they do…but it also often gets me looking at adult behaviours. My overthinking brain also (too?) often makes me reflect on why I behave in the ways I do.

Recently a friend told me that she does not believe that there is any such thing as genuine altruism.

A while back I was told by someone else….for the purposes of this post, I will call him Mr O….. that he believed my motivation was not driven by my moral compass but “something else”. Rather ominously, He did not elaborate on what that “something else” was….

As part of “Into Headship” we were made to think long and hard about our reasons for wanting to be leaders. We were given some amazing reading around the lessons that we can learn from history in relation to leadership; one of my favourite quotes was this:

‘We can all think of charismatic or transformational leaders whose purposes were inappropriate or immoral (e.g. Hitler)’ (Bush and Glover 2014, p 559).

Bush, Tony, and Derek Glover. “School leadership models: what do we know?.” School Leadership & Management 34.5 (2014): 553-571.

Over the last few months I have been thinking and worrying about this way too much. “When I SAY that I’m acting in the interests of children and young people, am I really?” “Why do I want to be in control?” Etc etc. Blah blah blah.

And then this morning I heard the brilliant nurse and poet Molly Case define it perfectly.

She spoke of her motivation being “selfish selflessness”; of the buzz she gets from caring for others and giving people a good experience of hospital and of treating people well.

And suddenly I realised that my motivation is just that. It is about me but it is also about others.

And whilst “selfless selflessness” might be the ultimate goal, I think I can live with “selfish selflessness”. As long as I don’t ever slip into “selfish selfishness”….

Can I ask a favour? If you ever see me slipping that way, will you promise to tell me? Please don’t be like Mr O….


Three weeks ago I had a small accident. I had taken part in a local singing competition and, on leaving the stage, I slipped on the steps and landed on my back and arm. Adrenaline helped me to jump up and act as if nothing had happened but by the next morning I was in a lot of pain and hobbling significantly. A call to the GP resulted in a recommendation to keep moving and take painkillers but I was fairly certain that I had done myself some sort of major back injury. There was absolutely no bruising on my back and no evidence of any damage but I felt sore and very restricted in my movement.

My arm, on the other hand, was a very different matter. As well as significant throbbing, a large bruise soon sprang up. Like a child, I became slightly obsessed with showing it off and I was also pleased to have something to show after my body….and pride….had been injured.


As humans I think we like to have something to show when we are in pain; a trophy mark that people can see so that we don’t have to talk or explain, unless we want to. The mere sight of a bad bruise is enough to elicit a flurry of reaction: “Ooh, that looks painful!” “You poor thing!” “You must have really hit the ground hard!”

This too explains why mental struggles, because of their invisibility, can sometimes cause us such difficulties. You can look “so well” on the outside but be struggling enormously on the inside;  there may be no emotional equivalent of the massive bruise to elicit empathy or understanding.

One of the hardest things for those suffering from anorexia can be the period after they have put on weight when people start to say “you look so much better” when in fact the thoughts and depression associated with the illness are still there. There is a fantastic campaign being led by Hope Virgo around this issue and I would strongly encourage you to sign her “Dump the Scales” campaign.

Three weeks on and the bruise has gone. This is amazing testimony to the body’s capacity to heal, when given time….and a bit of arnica and paracetamol. My back is much better too and had improved to such an extent that last week l managed to do two amazing walks along the West Highland Way with my son, albeit more slowly than I might have normally.


Just as our bodies have the magical capacity to heal, our minds and emotions do too when they have been hurt. Sometimes we may need the equivalent of arnica or painkillers while our recovery takes place and, for some, medication is a much needed part of recovery. In addition, however, we need time and empathy while we recover; if and when we have the courage to expose our psychological bruises, we need people who will accept that we are in the process of healing and will understand that we maybe need to walk a bit more slowly for a while.

I still have a tiny bump under the surface of the skin on my arm; it serves to remind me that I am not fully healed and that if I press too hard on that spot, it hurts.

One day soon, that will be gone too.

This book about healing will be free to download on Kindle tomorrow, Sunday 14th April.

Presiding With Kindness

There is a recurrent type of blog post in my writing; the one where I drive an inordinate distance to hear someone speak who inspires me and adds something to my learning and thinking. I then write up notes about what the speaker said, partly so that I have a record for myself and partly in case anyone could not make the event and wants a summary.

Speakers who feature in the series include: Sarah Jayne Blakemore, Karin Chenoweth, Suzanne Zeedyk, The Real David Cameron and Professor Robbie Gilligan.

Last night, I had the incredible good fortune to get a two for one deal. I set off from Lochgilphead just after three and the soundtrack to my journey consisted of the songs that I need to learn for the Mid Argyll music festival next week: The 59th Street Bridge Song by Paul Simon;The Water of Tyne (trad); Purcell’s Music For a While; Eric Idle’s Whatever Happened to My Part and Think Twice, made famous by Celine Dion. Eclectic? Definitely. Under-rehearsed, given that the festival is next week? Certainly. But slightly more familiar after playing on a loop between Kilmory and Shields Road carpark? Without doubt.

The two speakers that I had the incredible good fortune to hear last night were two judges from the US who spoke about their experiences of “Presiding with Kindness” within the US criminal Justice System: Judge Victoria Pratt and Judge Ginger Lerner-Wren. I had been invited to attend by Ian Smith, a Scottish lawyer who is leading the rally to make Scottish justice more trauma-informed and whom I have got to know through virtual discussion around Adverse Childhood Experiences.

My passion is making schools kind places where adults connect authentically with children in order to help them learn and develop, where mistakes are part of learning and where systems are based on genuine mutual respect and restorative approaches, rather than discipline and humiliation. I have worked in many schools and with many staff who have shared this passion over the years and achieved huge successes because of it; my driver as a leader and role model is to help others see the benefits in such an approach.

These are my notes of what I heard last night. They may not be word for word perfect but I hope that they summarise the key messages.

Judge Victoria Pratt is a pioneer of procedural justice in Newark, New Jersey.

Her fundamental starting point is that people in the criminal justice system must be treated with kindness, dignity and respect.

She talked about how traditional courts are foreign and intimidating to those who are called to them: they are herded through security and shouted at by people telling them to discard their personal items; they ask people in uniforms the same question and get a different answer each time; they are scolded for rules they never knew anything about

She suggested a simple alternative to this: if people perceive they are treated with respect and dignity then they will respect the law and trust the system.

How judges speak to litigants is key.

Judges have the reserved seats at a tragic reality show.

Principle 1 in her system = voice. Allow people to tell their story.

She is known for assigning essays to those who have offended as a reflective task.

She gave an example of a high school student aged 18 who had been brought in to court for possession of a knife (although it may only have been a butter knife).

The sad truth is that there were more police than counsellors in the girl’s school.

Her essay said “I’m scaredand that’s why I have a knife all the time.”

Judge Pratt wanted to know why this girl was so scared and could not stop thinking about it so she asked the girl’s social worker; it turned out that the girl’s stepfather had been sexually abusing her.

She did not feel protected by anyone in school whose job was to keep her safe.

If we take time to hear people’s stories, we understand them better.

2nd principle = neutrality

Sometimes people are allowed to speak and offer opinions or information in courts who are not impartial or neutral and this is not right and has to be challenged.

3rd principle = understand

There is an absolute need for those who work in criminal justice to understand the reality of poverty and mental health and to ensure that people understand what is being discussed in court.

Judge Pratt spoke of legalese being the language we used to confuse.

She explained how she uses plain English instead and explains why:

She was one given a list of questions to ask by a senior judge- for example “do you take psychotropic drugs?”. She realised that she did not understand half the words in the questions, let alone know how to pronounce them and so decided to re-phrase them in plain language such as “Ma’am, do you take medication to clear your head?”

It works.

The last principle = respect

This can be as simple as saying “good afternoon sir / ma’am.”

Or asking “how are you doing today?”… and wait for the answer.

Respect is contagious.

Judge Pratt explained that she was not telling us what she thinks but what she has done in her court.

She told us how she was once directed to go to a new court; it was seen by everyone as being the worst court to work in, in terms of drugs and mental health issues.

At first she said “no” but the senior judge told her that that the only alternative was the night court. She thought for a while; she realised she was at the point of looking for a husband and would never manage that if she was working at night so went for the ‘worst court’ option!

In fact, she learnt a huge amount by doing that work.

In one drugs case she asked the man about his son. He had never fathered him due to his drug habit. He cried when he spoke about him so she let him go home and told him to come back in two weeks.

She had a reputation with others working in the court: “she let’s everyone go home. She doesn’t know what she’s doing.  He will never come back.” she crossed her fingers.

They said he would not come back. He did.

When he came back he said “I came back because you showed me more love than I had for myself.”

If the court behaves differently the community behaves differently.

Mr Scott was another. He had about 14 tickets for minor offences.

He was pan-handling but wasn’t an addict. Had been beaten up when younger and had a brain injury so was functioning as a 12 year old. He also had a 12 year old son. She said “what will I do with you? Why don’t you stop?”

He said “my son eats through the food stamps. What can I do?”

She didn’t send him to prison because she listened to his story and understood where he was coming from.


Judge Ginger Lerner-Wren practices therapeutic jurisprudence (also known as TJ). in Florida

She explained how two Professors at the University of Miami first developed the idea: Bruce Winick and David Wexler.

They read, analysed case law and wrote.

In the 80s in the US, mental health law was emerging.

Judge Lerner Wren spoke about the invisible psychological forces in a court and how what the judge says and how the judge behaves are key.

The question is, can courts act as therapeutic agents?

Miami in the 80’s had a reputation for drugs and crime – think Miami Vice!

Janet Reno was a judge at that time whose family had come from Denmark; her father had engaged in human rights. Her thinking helped TJ move forward. She looked at drugs offences and the revolving door of prison and trauma.

In a way it is ironic that justice innovation came out of Florida.

There is currently just 39 dollars and 55 cents allocated per person in Florida for mental health support per year. It is a state in crisis.

There are currently 386 thousand people in US jails with serious mental health issues and trauma. Prisons are the largest de-facto psychiatric hospitals in existence.

Judge Lerner-Wren started out in disability law. She did guardianship work for people who had no family to support them.

Families kept coming to her saying “I hear you can help my brother”. “I hear you can help my mother”. In fact, she couldn’t help as she could only help those without any relatives.

She wondered whether the county commission offices were sending people to her who she could not actually help. They said not.

But then she got a silent intuitive nudge that they’d been coming to her for a reason; she saw this as her calling and moved to working in a psych hospital around discharge.

Over the years she gained massive experience and skills with mental health and drugs…..and she then thought “how can I make a difference in a really big way?”

“I’ll run for judge”.

A new judicial seat was funded and she was elected; there was huge synchronicity.

At this time, the case of a young man raised consciousness of issues relating to trauma and brain injury.

Aaron Wynn, an 18 year old with a bright future was run over and suffered traumatic brain injury. This left his family in peril. They were given 5 diagnoses but these only served to confuse and did not explain his behaviour. He was confined for 2 and a half years in 4 and 5 point restraints.

He was then released back to his family with no notification.

One day he was out in the shop when he suffered a panic attack and ran out into the street. As he ran out, he collided  with 85 year old Colleen Johnson who fell and suffered head injuries which she then died from. He was done for murder.

Howard Finkelstein then stepped in; he was a fantastic lawyer who went on to have his own TV show “Help Me Howard”.

He met with the man’s family and it completely changed his views; he had thought jail was helping but then realised it was not. It was a revolving door.

In 1994, he wrote 10 page letter to the Grand Jury of Broward County saying that had there been mental health treatments and support for his client, this would never have happened. He asked for a review. They did it. 8 months later a 153 page scathing report was produced that spoke of a “deplorable system” where no-one is accountable for anyone or anything.

A task force of mental health experts and judges was set up but would not agree. They then asked Howard what he wanted. He said “my own court”.

It was set up in 96/97.

10 yrs on, Howard was asked about it and he said “I wanted a court of refuge for people with issues where a judge would do no harm to people already. overwhelmed by life itself”.

They wanted therapeutic settings not prisons.

In her work, Judge Lerner-Wren wanted a clear message: that recovery is possible They were a small team and had no money but the number one lesson, borrowed from Margeret Mead, was “never underestimate what a small community with passion can do.”

If you have vision and an empowered community, you can do anything.

She has been driven by a thirst for justice and abiding belief in recovery.

By another stroke of serendipity, Janet Reno got appointed as 1st female Attorney General at the same time as Browards Court was established.

They showed that early intervention is key and that treatment works, if it is individually tailored.

90% of women in justice system have experienced trauma or an ACE.

But isn’t this really about all of us with our trauma and divorce and messy lives?

Dignity is the centrepiece of this work.

We want to hear stories, dreams and visions.

The court is voluntary and its key message is “we are here for you”.

People fall down in the court as they are not expecting this message. All you need is one person to believe in you.

People are not their symptoms, diagnosis or bad days.

Restoration of personhood is a marked goal of the court and diversion from criminal justice into care.

But any time you try and change things there will be negativity and naysayers.

Mental health and the de-institutionalisation of mental health has not really been taken seriously in the US.

Physical ill health took you to the hospital.

Psychotic illness took you to jail.

In the follow up Q and A, the Judges added the following (and I hope I have credited what was said to the right judge!)

Judge Pratt:

Institutions and systems exist to sustain themselves; if you challenge you are kicked out, like a foreign body in the body is kicked out.

Judge Lerner Wren:

Policy makers work up at a high level but need to ask “what do the people want?”

Judge Pratt:

If people are not talking bad about you, then you are not working hard enough.

Judge Lerner-Wren:

Scotland is leading the world in terms of ACE awareness and that should be celebrated.

We are a world in despair: how do we create more optimism across the globe and build resilience in the face of drugs, climate change, social media and what is happening to our children?

We work together through synergy and advocate for mental health.

Mental health is essential to all health.

How many families really know how to talk about mental health?

Judge Pratt:

If we don’t like what the current leaders are doing, we need to vote in new candidates!


The energy, enthusiasm, experience and optimism of these two incredible women were an absolute tonic.

Sometimes we need a reminder of our “why” and last night’s event helped me to remember mine:

The “why” behind me learning the names of all the 500 pupils in my school is respect.

The “why” behind me greeting every pupil in the morning before school is love.

The “why” behind me telling every pupil and parent/carer that they can talk to me is listening to their voices.

The “why” behind me writing about mental health and talking about my own is that people are more than their diagnosis, symptoms and bad days.

The “why” behind me being an irritant and getting talked bad about is that I am working hard to make the world a better and optimistic place. Sometimes I do feel like giving up in the face of the naysayers who tell me that my ideas will be the downfall of education …..but last night reminded me of why I can’t and why they aren’t.

And the “why” behind me singing those under-rehearsed songs in a competition alongside the pupils and family members from my community next week is that showing up as your real self  and risking mistakes allows real connection.

Thanks so very, very much to the Judges, to Ian and to Christine Goodall and Medics against Violence for their organisation of the event and to Laura Maxwell for her beautiful introduction.

You can see more of Judge Pratt in her Ted Talk and read more about Judge Lerner-Wren’s ideas in her book “A Court of Refuge”.




Before You Do It

As a result of my work as a secondary teacher and my personal experience as a child, parent and mental health advocate, I have come to the conclusion that we need to talk more about parenting to teenagers. I am making a pledge that, a year from now, on International Women’s Day 2020, I will have created a resource that will have been shared with all schools and parents and carers of teenagers across Scotland.

This is not the work of women alone but mothers need to be even more informed if they are to grow a baby within them.

I am sure that there is some great work around this out there already but I want to bring it together and make it accessible and easy to find. The resources will help our young people to explore the answers to the questions below.

For now, the questions are out there. You need to be able to answer “yes” if you are to be the best parent that you can. It may take some work for you to find the answers but the work is crucial. 

Before you do it. #B4UDoIt

6 questions to ask yourself before you choose to have a sexual encounter that could result in a life being created. Please only go ahead and do it if you can answer “yes”.

  1. Do you know about the impact that your physical and mental health and behaviour could have on that life from the moment it is created?
  2. Do you know how hugely important being a parent is and how much utter fear, joy and magic it brings?
  3. Do you know how much parenting takes out of you and how it makes you learn and re-examine everything you thought you knew?
  4. Have you reflected on what you experienced in terms of parenting when you were a child and learned from that?
  5. Do you know how important it is to love your child unconditionally?
  6. Do you know the rights that every child born on this planet has?

Reflections on the CELCIS Annual Lecture

Last night I had the amazing good fortune to attend the annual Celcis lecture at the University of Strathclyde. 

Having produced our authority guidance on supporting Looked After Children for education settings (with support from CELCIS) three years ago, and now being in post as Principal Teacher for Looked After Children, I was very excited to hear what the messages from the evening would be. 

The speaker at the lecture was Professor of Social Work and Social Policy at Trinity College Dublin, Robbie Gilligan (for the purposes of this blog post, I am going to refer to him as Robbie from now on and I hope that will not cause offence). He was an absolutely inspirational, knowledgeable and entertaining speaker and I found myself doing imagined air punches at almost everything he said. The title of his lecture was “Powering up the potential of care experienced young people: the role of education, work and adult expectations”. In the lecture Robbie talked about many ideas that resonated with my thinking; his aim was to challenge the dominant narrative of attainment and achievement within education but also to challenge the failure narrative that all too often accompanies the experiences of our care experienced children. He talked about the idea that many young people have talents and experiences and energies that we need to tap into in order to help them achieve their potential. He spoke of the power and potential of work experience to do this and explored how we need to get away from the conventional timelines that exist and which expect young people to move through school before going into work settings. He explained that education is a lifetime project and that young people and adults must be allowed to get on and off the education bus; if they get off they must not get off in a bad mood and not feel that they won’t be welcome back. It is often true that all care experienced young people do not follow the same trajectory as other young people and that their education experience may look quite different in terms of chronology.

Robbie cited six examples of  adults (the majority of whom are care experienced) who have gone on to achieve success and celebrity after engaging in early forms of work experience as children:

Actress Saoirse Ronan; Gardener and Guardian writer Alan Jenkins; Poet and Performer Lemn Sissay; Actor Barry Keoghan; Footballer Paul McGrath; Javelin champion Fatima Whitbread and Novelist Jenni Fagan. 

All of these stories provided excellent exemplification of the idea that if a child is inspired at an early age to engage in a form of “work” that is linked to a passion or hobby then this work may well lead to a learning trajectory that is unconventional and atypical in terms of our ideas about age and stage educational experiences.

Robbie also talked about the idea that work is about more than employment and that it works much better when it is based on self identified interests and experiences. Work can inspire effort to go back into education and get back on the education bus. It can cultivate soft and hard skills, identity and agency and it can give young people an identity beyond the “children in care” bubble that they too often experience.

My heart flipped as a drama teacher and former dramatherapist when Robbie spoke of work as a “performance that matters”; I have long talked about the idea of needing to give children and young people the chance to rehearse and enact positive experience and confidence in a safe setting, supported by an adult who will allow them to make mistakes and learn; the body keeps the score and the more we rehearse confidence and success, the more it becomes real.

The recording of the lecture will be shared by CELCIS and I would strongly encourage you to watch it.

After the lecture there was a panel discussion with Joe Rankin from  Nevis Group Scotland which offers employment to care experience children, Tracy Wright who is studying law at Strathclyde and is a Celcis Board member and Rosie Moore, who sits on the Independent Care Review and is studying social work. The key messages from the panel discussion resonated with the themes of Robbie’s lecture and were about needing to think outside the box, to be proactive and positive about what young people can achieve, to be stable and supportive adults who can help care experienced young people to achieve and thrive, to have high aspirations, to recognise that achievement is about so much more than a narrow range of academic qualifications and to accept that care experienced young people may need to travel along the learning journey at a different pace to others.

I wanted to say something at the end of the discussion but the mike never got to me and in any case, I would probably not have managed to say it in the right way. 

What I have to say is not maybe worth much but I feel it very passionately after working in a range of educational and community settings throughout net career.

  1. Many of us in Scottish education are trying to change the narrative of what “attainment” and “achievement” mean. Insight and the new BGE benchmarking tool are all about this. However, some of the powers that be have to commit to genuine celebration of attainment in all forms and stop trying to measure only what is easy to measure. Head teachers need to be brave and confident here.

  1. The Scottish Curriculum for Excellence is based on a commitment to Skills for Life, Learning and Work. After nearly 10 years there is a risk that we are going to throw the baby out with the bath water and try and start again. Please let’s not. Many other nations have nothing like this:
  1. The SQA has a whole suite of work related qualifications that we just aren’t using. I know about this one because my husband wrote it:

Ollie Bray knows about a lot more:

  1. There are lots of amazing things happening in many schools in Scotland but schools can’t do it all. Partnerships with employers are key, as are community corporate parents who can open doors, provide the social capital into new worlds and not give up when young people are ready to engage yet. Family Firm is an excellent start but we need more employers like Timpsons who understand adversity and attachment and won’t give up when a young person has a bad day and will still be there the next day with a positive, loving attitude. Flexible Learning Planning allows schools to work with partners to create alternative, exciting pathways BUT sometimes the partners are hard to find or the Risk Assessment Dementors try and put up barriers. But barriers can be removed without anyone getting hurt.
  2. We need to accept that with cuts to budgets, we need to be more creative than ever to make exciting things happen. Where recent cuts mean less music tuition, fewer youth services and fewer adults per child in schools, we have to work harder to find the solutions and also to challenge if we feel that things are getting close to being too austere:

Some people believe that the parts of our services that we are having to cut such as drama, music and languages are the frills, the icing on the cake and luxuries that we can live without. But if we look back at Robbie’s six examples, maybe we need to think again. 

The future is bright for Care Experienced Young Children and Young People in Scotland if we embrace the partnership working advocated to Get It Right for Every Child, stay committed to our core values and remain optimistic, creative, realistic and caring.

Trust in me..and in you.

Three short years ago, I made a decision to try and change some of the behaviours and coping strategies that I had developed over many years.

I was once again faced with that dreaded time of the year when we are expected to set New Year’s resolutions, make big promises and set out our vision for a “New Year, New You.”

But I realised that trying to change Me was not actually what was needed; instead, I needed to try and unpick some of the habits that were getting in the way of me being me. 

Just like we need to look at the behaviour of a child as something separate from the child (“I love you but I don’t love your behaviour right now”) and a form of communication or coping method, so too I needed to look at my behaviours and motivations with a new honesty.

Why did I need to do this? Because the life I was leading was a struggle. Because it was lacking in joy and characterised too often by fear, anxiety and sadness. Because I realised that it didn’t have to be like that.

Back then I started the process with a short piece of reflection which I buried deep in my phone notes and felt deeply ashamed for even committing to electronic paper:

“I feel:

I can’t do it any more because I’m too broken and can’t ever be fixed.

I know:

I can and I’m not and things can be broken and still go on working.

I feel:

I have no friends.

I know:

I do have good friends.

I feel:


I know:

I have worth and can offer a lot.

I feel:

Everything is wrong.

I know:

Lots of things are right.

I feel:


I know:

I am not disgusting.

I feel:

No-one understands me.

I know:

No-one ever can fully understand me but I can understand myself.

I feel:

Like the worst spouse and parent in the world.

I know:

I am a good spouse and parent.

I feel:

Like I don’t want to be here.

I know:

That I do want to be here.

I feel:


I know:

That I am exhausted but can get through it.

I feel:

Like I have to keep going.

I know:

That I have to rest.

I feel:


I know:

I have been and can be happy.

And I also know I can feel joyous, excited, loving, spontaneous and proud.

What I know will get me through and help me to fight the feelings when they visit.

Let this serve to remind me….

#hopefor2016 .”

As I look at this, three years on, I have to admit that on some days, the feelings are still stronger than the knowings and there are times when the sadness, anxiety and fear overwhelm me. But I can also say categorically that they are fewer and further between than back then. And I intend for them to get even more so (or is that less so?!)

I can’t pretend that the last three years have been easy. Unpicking over 40 years of learnt and well-practiced behaviours takes effort and time.

I ended up writing a book to help me with the process. At first, I did so under a pen name and shared it cautiously and in trepidation but after some positive feedback, I became braver and shared the book as me. Looking back, this was quite a risk to take; as someone in a senior role in education, it was perhaps foolhardy to share some of my innermost fears, vulnerabilities and struggles with a world that includes both the young people with whom I work, and their families, as potential readers.

I am aware that there are jobs I won’t get in the future because of what I have done. I am aware that there are people who find what I have written distasteful and self- indulgent.

And of course, in many ways, it is completely self-indulgent. The reality is that I needed to indulge myself, to write therapeutically and to find some answers to some questions.

My answers won’t be yours. I still haven’t found all the answers yet and I am still writing, reading, connecting and exploring to try and find them. But more things make sense to me now than they did three years ago.

If you are reading this and you are struggling, wondering whether you can ever feel better, asking whether there is any point to keeping going, please know that there is.

Please know that there are better times ahead if you are willing to take a few risks, take some time and accept that you are the one person you need to make peace with, above all others.

You are all you need but you don’t have to do it alone.